


L'Esprit D'Escalier

by CryingKilljoy



Series: The Nocebo Effect [2]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: BoyxBoy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-06-02 06:07:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6554011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CryingKilljoy/pseuds/CryingKilljoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You told me to write to you, Dallon, and that's what I'm doing. I need to clear my head.</p><p>*Read Un Coup de Foudre first</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 24 September

You told me to write to you, Dallon, and that's what I'm doing. I need to clear my head.


	2. 24 September

I'm writing these letters on index cards because I don't have much to say. I'm too anxious to let you know how much you hurt me, and that entails fewer words. I'm sure you'd understand, with all the lies you've told before, so exercising my Fifth Amendment is surely much better than expelling a blatant falsehood. Maybe you don't know American politics, sorry. Anyway, I'm going now.


	3. 26 September

Do you know how much Kara cried when I told her what monstrosities you did to yourself? Probably not, 'cause you're dead. Well she cried a lot. She cried for three hours, and she's still going as I write this at the kitchen table at which we would sit to talk about domestic things and shit, and those things suddenly aren't so domestic anymore, because what kind of home survives without its scaffolding?


	4. 27 September

How's the dirt in your grave?

 

_i'm bitter_


	5. 28 September

It's been six days since you killed yourself, and you're still not sorry.


	6. 29 September

I've decided to write to you every day, seeing as I've already been doing that. I need a routine in my life, you know? Thanks for giving me that, 'cause you sure as hell didn't give me anything else besides misery.

At least you didn't give me an STD, though, but it would probably hurt less than this.


	7. 30 September

I wanted to rip that drawing you gave me, but I didn't, because it looks way better than the person I see in the mirror.


	8. 1 October

I was cold long before you were.


	9. 2 October

I used to love your mind, Dallon, how it worked, how each gear shifted with a certain importance that I could never grasp yet adored nevertheless. That was just something I enjoyed, just like you enjoyed psychology and finger painting and scarves as blue as your eyes, but all of those things are gone now. _You’re_ gone now, and I know that your lovely brain is, too.


	10. 3 October

It’s been a while, but Ryan is still as shocked as ever. I’m starting to wonder if he’s ever going to speak again.

Remember that  _ you  _ did this,  _ mon petit ami _ , that you destroyed what we thought we knew. Remember that you will never be off the hook, that you will never be free from the clutch of my mind. You’re still with me, Dallon James Weekes, and you are not completely lost.


	11. 4 October

None of this has been a stroll in the park, but what makes this experience even more troublesome is that I require your  _ je n’aime que toi  _ for my  _ toujours, mon chéri _ , but you are not here to provide me with the affection I need, because you’re beginning to love your grave more than you ever loved me.


	12. 5 October

I’ve always wanted to love again, despite still being in a hole of idolatry for you, but I’m discovering that all I can ever love is the battlefield of my own mind, even if it was the one to spill my blood upon its meadows and forget me like a statistic. It forgot you, too, Dallon, and you need to get your head out of your ass so you can realize it.


	13. 6 October

When you positioned those blue jays on me to grant your lover a smile, I didn’t yet understand that those were not blue jays. Those were chains, and their claws were sharp, and I am still bleeding out even now, because they never really left like you did.


	14. 7 October

When you positioned those blue jays on me to grant your lover a smile, I didn’t yet understand that those were not blue jays. Those were chains, and their claws were sharp, and I am still bleeding out even now, because they never really left like you did.


	15. 8 October

I’ve finally figured out why I both love and hate writing to you:  _ l’esprit d’escalier _ . Staircase wit or, if you will, unfinished business with the words that you crave to speak. There is so much to say, so much to tell you about this weapon of a life, so much to make you recognize that I have not been okay since you departed, and that is what this whole letter writing business means.


	16. 9 October

I wish that we could trade places, but that will never happen, because I’m the kind one who wouldn’t trade other people’s suffering for my comfort. Not like you traded  _ my  _ suffering for  _ your  _ comfort. I don’t allow repeats of the history you failed to study.


	17. 10 October

It’s taken me a while to realize that dying is art, too.


	18. 11 October

I apologize for being so emotional. Now can  _ you  _ apologize?


	19. 12 October

Suicide is an everlasting trend apparently.


	20. 13 October

I need you like I need oxygen.

I wish I had gills.


	21. 14 October

This is pointless. You can't read these letters when you're dead. Even when you were alive you never listened to me. You fucked up, kid.


	22. 15 October

It’s a goddamn shame you were so young. You could’ve made it.


	23. 16 October

Quite frankly, I expired a long time ago.


	24. 17 October

All I want is to be buried in the sins I’ve spent so long creating. Is that too much to ask? Why can’t I tumble into eternal sleep if it’s consistently inevitable? Why did you get to go first?


	25. 18 October

Everyone at school has been raving about you since you killed yourself, as if they give a single shit. Don’t worry, though. I at least know that their mantras are far from the truth, only suitable for repairing their shattered conscience.

They’ve also begun to speculate about what would happen if you were to return. It’s not like that’s possible, yet they nevertheless persist, always asking me what I would do. And quite truthfully, I really have no idea whether I’d be angry with you or simply glad that you’re alive, because the bitterness and lachrymosity of grieving can warp your mind into thinking that future events will be different than they actually will be.

Everyone at school would be bent on pitying you if you did come back, and they expect me to do the same, but when have I pitied a man for attempting suicide? If anything, I should envy him for surviving in the home of death. You could be that strong, Dallon, but you’re not coming back. I shouldn’t be so foolish as to think you would ever do anything pleasant for me.


	26. 19 October

Kara is dating Breezy now, by the way. I just thought you should know, seeing as you told me to write to you about what’s going on. This is my life now, and it’s hell, but at least Kara is experiencing something splendid right now, though she’ll eventually settle back into her perpetual state of anguish. That’s what always happens. That’s how it is when you throw us the scraps.


	27. 20 October

I tried painting, drawing, every activities that you used to enjoy when we were friends and when one of us wasn’t in the grave and when the other wasn’t mourning like pieces of the sun are chipping off into the void and won’t ever return to their pathetic life. However, nothing I created could ever compare to what you could do. I need you back so I can taste something beautiful again.


	28. 21 October

It’s close enough to Halloween for Kara and her squad to be hosting rallies in the house about their game plan and how they’ll defeat the fuckboys during this glorious Skeleton War in which I honestly don’t want to be involved.


	29. 22 October

The way I see it, dreaming is a taste test for death. Did your sample sit pleasantly upon your lying tongue? Is that why you craved its entirety six feet under the dirt? Is that why you aren’t sorry, because hunger is a primal instinct that can’t be neglected as thoroughly as you neglected your health?

Yes? How quaint. Your destructive hedonism is rather alluring, to say the least.


	30. 23 October

If suicide is a trend and trends go out of style, then why is suicide still around, and why did you follow the crowd, Dallon?


	31. 24 October

The very nihilism you emanate is the thing that taught me everyone’s going to die.  _ I’m  _ going to die. I just thought maybe it would be with you by my side. Now it seems that the only way we’d be near is if I pleaded for someone to bury me with your already lifeless body, but your lifeless body probably wouldn’t like the fact that I’m never giving up on you, even in death.


	32. 25 October

At first I felt like I didn’t deserve someone as gracious as you, Dallon Weekes, but then I realized that the grief of your suicide attempt was the proper result rather than your charm. I received your beauty in exchange for your death, and that is how the world goes ‘round. We terrible humans are not endowed free walks.


	33. 26 October

Where have you gone? I’m screaming, but where are your echoes?


	34. 27 October

I just wanted to say that I haven’t given up on you yet. There are still too many opportunities that shouldn’t be ignored.


	35. 28 October

I find it odd how people are so ready to die yet cower in the face of external danger, but I suppose you deserve applause for defying that notion, even if you tore my life apart in the process.


	36. 29 October

I confess that I am built on sin, and I confess that I will not cease to be, because I have not restrained myself from speaking so sinfully to you in these letters. Communicating with the dead is a sin in the Catholic faith, and though I could not be more opposed to that religion, it sure is nice to feel rebellious. Surely that’s what you thought when you rebelled against living, no?


	37. 30 October

I can understand that I’m being a bit cruel with these letters, but you abandoned me without a word, and that’s the cruelest thing the both of us could’ve done.


	38. 31 October

It's Halloween, so I've been out and about in the streets with Kara and her friends as they trick or treat at houses with people they don't even know, but I assure you that I'm not an overprotective brother when it comes to these things.

There are lots of different costumes I've seen, some of which are fantastic in realism and in creativity, but the scariest thing by far is glancing at kids in ghost costumes and realizing they look so much like you.


	39. 1 November

This is probably the last letter I'll write, because there's someone at the end of the hallway that looks all too familiar, and I won't have time to write when I'm being swept away into madness again.


End file.
